


the taste of your lips (i'm slipping under)

by writing_way_too_much



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Crushes, Cutesy shit, Fluff, Getting Together, Idol Verse, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, Light Angst, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Non AU, i swore kind of a lot my bad, mostly the angst is related to the internalized homophobia, set ambiguously during a 127 comeback, slight miscommunications, the tone of this changes like four times i am s o sorry, you can decide which one!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 14:33:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19465993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writing_way_too_much/pseuds/writing_way_too_much
Summary: “It is so late,” Donghyuck groans as they’re locking up and walking out. “What if we get kidnapped? It’ll be your fault. I was planning on being back at the dorms by midnight.”“Nobody’s gonna kidnap you.” Mark flexes, and damn, he does actually have biceps now. Donghyuck’s throat goes dry. “I’ll fight them off.”To keep up pretenses, Donghyuck snorts. “Okay, hyung. Like you could fight off anyone bigger than a preschooler.”Mark shoves at his side. “Shut up.”





	the taste of your lips (i'm slipping under)

**Author's Note:**

> i really really wanted to post a fic during pride month but i had marching band one week and was out of town for another week and a half so :///
> 
> title is from "toxic" by britney spears, don't judge me ok it fits
> 
> this does deal a lot with internalized homophobia and such so if that's a trigger for you i'd suggest that you avoid this fic
> 
> happy reading!!

“Hyung, hurry  _ up _ , it is late and I feel disgusting,” Donghyuck yells through the bathroom door. “Just cause you’re older than me doesn’t mean that you get to use up the last thirty seconds of hot water--”

The door swings open and Donghyuck loses his balance, almost tipping straight forward and falling onto Mark. Who is...shirtless, with droplets of water still sliding down his chest, and Donghyuck forgets how to breathe.

“Sorry, Hyuck,” Mark apologizes. He doesn’t seem to notice the effect he’s currently having on Donghyuck’s mental state. “Didn’t mean to hog the bathroom.”

“You’re--no, you’re fine,” Donghyuck gets out, his voice very nearly cracking. “I’ll just--okay, thank you,” and collapses against the inside of the bathroom door when he gets it closed.

The mirror is still fogged over, and Donghyuck stares at himself for a good three minutes while the steam clears. All he can think is,  _ well, fuck. _

  
  
  
  


Donghyuck can’t pinpoint exactly when it started.

He doesn’t even know what “it” is. All he knows is that he keeps noticing how pleasant Mark is to look at, and how cute Mark’s concentration face is, and that his insides get all warm when Mark laughs. All of it is highly inconvenient. Donghyuck is too busy for emotions.

And anyway, these emotions aren’t his to feel. Mark’s a boy. Boys aren’t supposed to like other boys. Donghyuck’s spent many a tired, tearful night in front of his laptop, pleading with private browsers on Naver to give him a better answer. He doesn’t want to have--he  _ can’t _ have--a crush on his best friend.

It isn’t allowed. It isn’t right. A thousand things he tells himself. None of them diminish his feelings by even a little bit. Goddamnit.

  
  
  
  


Knocks on the doorframe startle Donghyuck out of the song he’s been trying to play for the past half an hour.

“Hey,” Mark says. He’s got his guitar slung over his shoulder and invites himself in without asking. “Whatcha playing?”

Donghyuck shifts on the piano bench. “Um, it’s...don’t worry about it, it’s dumb,” is what he finally comes up with.

Mark shakes his head. “Nah, it sounded pretty.”

“Clair de Lune,” Donghyuck admits. “Debussy. My little brother, he’s learning piano right now, and I’ve always wanted to play this.”

“Classical piano music is lovely,” Mark agrees, sitting down on the couch that takes up the other half of the small room. “Doesn’t work very well with guitar, though.”

Donghyuck laughs a tiny bit. “I dunno, you look at the chord structures and I’ll stumble through it.”

It isn’t the first time they’ve dueted together like this, but it’s the least serious. Any other time has been to work, trying to pick melodies out of thin air, make the notes into something new. This is playing old music just for the hell of it, and Donghyuck likes it a whole lot more.

Mark’s phone goes off some time later, and he scrambles for it. “Hi, sorry, we got caught up--”

“It is two thirty in the morning!” Taeil shouts, so loudly that Donghyuck can hear it even though the phone isn’t on speaker. “Where on earth are you and Hyuck? You need to be asleep.”

“Sorry, hyung,” Mark says, but his eyes are twinkling. “We lost track of time.”

“Obviously!” Taeil shrills. “Christ, there isn’t enough coffee in the world to deal with this. You better get your asses back here before three, cause we have practice at eight sharp.”

Donghyuck gently closes the piano lid. Mark makes enough noises of agreement that Taeil hangs up and then sets about putting his guitar back in its case.

“It is so late,” Donghyuck groans as they’re locking up and walking out. “What if we get kidnapped? It’ll be your fault. I was planning on being back at the dorms by midnight.”

“Nobody’s gonna kidnap you.” Mark flexes, and damn, he does actually have biceps now. Donghyuck’s throat goes dry. “I’ll fight them off.”

To keep up pretenses, Donghyuck snorts. “Okay, hyung. Like you could fight off anyone bigger than a preschooler.”

Mark shoves at his side. “Shut up.”

The whole walk back to the dorm is like that, teasing comments and playful shoves and walking half in each other’s spaces. Donghyuck’s heart seems to think that maybe it’s flirting. He tells it to shut up. It’s not allowed. 

  
  
  
  
  


“Let’s take a break,” Taeyong suggests.

Donghyuck slides down the floor, frowning deeply at his water bottle. Nobody’s saying anything to him specifically, but he knows he’s off today. All of his moves are fine, but there’s something missing.

“Hello,” Mark says, plopping down right next to Donghyuck. There’s maybe a couple centimeters of space in between them. Donghyuck can feel how warm Mark is and wishes for a crazy second that he could just crawl into Mark’s arms and pretend he isn’t screwing everything up.

“Hi,” he says instead.

“You seem stressed.” Mark takes a gulp from his water and Donghyuck can’t help but watch his adam’s apple bob. Shit. “Anything I can do to help?”

What Donghyuck really needs is a hug, maybe from his mom, and to eat something warm and ignore everyone. None of that is really possible.

“Just not having the best day,” he goes with, and watches as Mark’s forehead furrows.

“Some days are like that,” he agrees, and then--oh shit oh shit oh shit--he throws an arm around Donghyuck’s shoulders and pulls him into his side, just for a second. “You gotta pull through. Later we can play video games and you can beat me really unfairly, that sound okay?”

Donghyuck lets himself rest his head on Mark’s shoulder, for only a second. “Yeah.”

The rest of the practice goes better. Donghyuck is more centered, more in the right mind to practice. He still doesn’t feel fantastic, but it’s definitely better than it was.

He calls his mom as they’re walking back to the dorm, during rush hour. Donghyuck figures his cell phone conversation will be adequately swallowed up by the hundreds of similar conversations occurring on any given block in Seoul at five in the evening.

“Hi, sweetheart,” his mom says. “How are you doing?”

It’s so, so nice to hear her voice. “Hi,” he says in a small voice, and she uses her supernatural mom sense to cut straight to the middle of the issue.

“Who are you hung up on now?”

Donghyuck laughs weakly. A few months ago, he’d been sad because a girl he’d had a crush on when he was like eight had posted pictures of her and her new boyfriend on Instagram. A few months before that, he was infatuated with each member of Red Velvet for a time. His mother always knows.

“It’s...it’s a person who I think I might actually have a chance with,” he says, twisting his other hand in the hem of his shirt. “But I don’t think it would work out.”

His mom hums. “Sweetie, I know you could date any girl that you wanted to, and I also know that’s not really possible with your career. But as long as she makes you happy, I’m okay with it. And you should do your best to win her over.”

It’s not his mom’s fault that it’s a boy. It’s entirely Donghyuck’s. “Yeah, thank you, love you.” He’s pretending that the waver in his voice is from how much he misses her. 

“Love you too, honey.”

Donghyuck hangs up and stares at the ground, following Doyoung’s shoes the rest of the way back to the dorm. 

  
  
  
  
  


Of course he can’t sleep.

It’s--it’s his mother’s casual use of “her” and “she” and the terrifying fear gaping in his torso whenever he allows himself to think that maybe--maybe--but it’s  _ wrong _ , isn’t it, isn’t it, but it can’t be because it’s just what he’s feeling--

The  _ obvious _ solution is to go sleep in Mark’s bed.

Donghyuck goes there on autopilot, because Mark is his best friend and the one he always turns to when he has a nightmare or his brain’s going too fast. It’s only when he’s in the doorway that he realizes that maybe it’s not such a fantastic idea to cuddle with Mark when he’s having all these complicated feelings. He’s about to leave when the floorboard creaks and Mark raises his head.

“ ‘lo?”

“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” Donghyuck whispers, moving further into the room against his better judgement. “I just--I can’t sleep, I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” Mark whispers back, a twinkle in his eyes. “That’s what best friends are for, right?”

Donghyuck shifts from one foot to the other, biting his lip. “I’m--yeah. Yeah, okay.”

Mark lifts the covers up and Donghyuck crawls in next to him, trying to keep space between them, but Mark pulls him into the curve of his body. His breath is tickling Donghyuck’s ear, and a shiver snakes down Donghyuck’s spine.

“Sorry to intrude,” Donghyuck says quietly.

Mark flicks the back of his neck. “Stop apologizing and just get some sleep.”

Donghyuck falls asleep tense and wakes up feeling the most rested he’s felt in a while. Watches the sunlight on Mark’s face for a bit. Notices that he’s still curled against Mark, that he didn’t move away while he slept. Shit. Shit shit shit shit.

  
  
  
  
  
  


And then it becomes a  _ routine, _ to slip into Mark’s bed and lie there and time his breaths to Mark’s, to wake up with an arm around his torso or a leg draped over his own, and it is so, so awful, to be sleeping in his crush’s bed when he’s not even supposed to have a crush. God  _ fucking  _ damnit. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Taeyong asks Mark to demonstrate the new section of the choreography, and Donghyuck watches him closely. The new stuff is hard, but Mark gets it fine, and it’s only on the second run-through that Donghyuck realizes that he’s just been staring at Mark’s mouth. When they do it all together, Mark is giving him looks in the mirror that he can’t translate, either semi-disgusted suspicion or interest in looking back.

He can’t decide which outcome would be worse. Both are bad. There’s no good way to get out of this.

  
  
  
  
  


They’re--okay, they went to bed early and Donghyuck didn’t even try to pretend he was sleeping in his own bed, just followed Mark to his room in pajama pants and a t-shirt, and for some reason tonight feels different. Donghyuck swallows and slides under the covers, back to the wall, and sort of pretends that he isn’t watching Mark change.

Everything feels weighted, heavy. Donghyuck’s breaths don’t feel like they’re actually getting oxygen to his lungs, heart, brain. Mark lies down next to him, faces Donghyuck. Smiles a tiny, secret smile.

Donghyuck feels his forehead scrunch up, because he’s overthinking this, he’s overthinking all of it. He can barely hide how much he’s staring at Mark’s mouth right now.

“What are you thinking about?” Mark asks softly, thumbing over the crease right between Donghyuck’s eyebrows (that’s gotta mean something, right?). Donghyuck tears his gaze away from Mark’s lips long enough to stare at his eyes instead, which are just as pretty and just as nice to look at, if he’s being honest.

“You have a really pretty mouth,” Donghyuck says without thinking. Oh god, why had he said that, what on earth was he trying to accomplish with all this staring--

Mark’s blushing, but only a little, faint pink. It looks good on him, Donghyuck notes distractedly, and then curses himself for, oh, every single moment of this conversation. While it is nice to be lying next to each other in Mark’s bed flirting (are they flirting? Donghyuck supposes they are), it is also giving his heart rate some rather extreme problems.

“Do I now,” Mark muses. Their legs are already touching, nearly entwined, and their chests might as well be pressed together with how close they are. Donghyuck is going to die from an overload of Mark Lee.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck says softly. Thinks about moving his hand to trace Mark’s jaw. Doesn’t. “I--”

Whatever else he was going to accidentally say too much of is swallowed up by Mark’s mouth.

Donghyuck hasn’t kissed anyone before, so he has nothing to compare this to, but it seems pretty good. Mark’s cupping the back of his neck, and his mouth is just as soft as it looks. Everywhere they’re touching feels electric. He could die like this and be fine with it.

Mark draws back to take a breath and Donghyuck can’t do anything other than stare at him, trying and failing to collect his thoughts. “Did--did you just--can I--”

“Sorry for springing that on you,” Mark says, amused. “Seemed like you wouldn’t mind.”

“Kiss me again,” Donghyuck demands.

The little tiny laugh Mark gives before kissing Donghyuck--it’s the best sound Donghyuck’s ever heard. He wants a recording of it on loop forever.

They fall asleep like that, mid-kiss, bodies so closely wound together that it’s nearly impossible to distinguish where one ends and the other begins from above the covers, and the last conscious thought that Donghyuck remembers thinking is,  _ I didn’t mean to like that. _

  
  
  
  
  
  


It continues, in much the same fashion as before.

_ Are we dating, _ Donghyuck wonders, but no, they’re just doing the exact same things they were before, as best friends, only now Mark kisses him good night and holds his hand whenever he can get away with it and smiles like Donghyuck is the best thing he’s ever seen. Also, they haven’t talked about it or anything. Donghyuck isn’t sure if Mark has the same gut-wrenching feelings as he does or if this is just a fling.

It would hurt too much to find out. So he doesn’t say anything. Lets the unsurety and flirting and sneaking around continue. Hopes that he won’t come out of this heartbroken or career-less.

_ Christ. _

  
  
  
  
  


127’s comeback comes faster than Donghyuck realizes. He’s lost track of time, unaware of the passing of weeks, too caught up in Mark’s mouth and hands and the weird tugging ache in his chest. Hell, they’ve filmed the whole music video and he hardly noticed. But then it’s two days till their comeback stage and Jaehyun is almost having a panic attack or something on the practice room floor while Doyoung tries to talk him down and it’s like a bubble has popped.

“Hey, hyung?” he asks later that night, when they’re showered and changed and curled up in Mark’s bed. “Are you...are you nervous about this?”

Mark turns on his side, props his head up, looks Donghyuck right in the eye. “Not any more than I am for any of our other comebacks.”

Donghyuck swallows. “It’s just--I’ve been so caught up in you that I’m not sure I’m ready for this.” It’s the most honest thing he’s said in a while.

Mark tilts his head. “You’ve done this so many times before, Hyuck, with both Dream and 127. You know exactly what you’re doing. You’re one of the most ready of all of us. I...I’m trying to say, mark my words, you’ll be one of the favorites of this era.”

“You’re just saying that cause--"

Mission abort, mission abort, fuck he can’t say that. Can’t say  _ cause you like me _ because he isn’t sure if Mark does, really, in the way that counts.

Mark’s eyes are dancing. “Cause why, Hyuck?”

“Cause nothing,” Donghyuck mumbles. Turns away, still lets Mark pull him close, hopes like hell that none of the tiny, salty tears he can taste on his lips are noticeable.

He’s so afraid that he’s gonna fuck this up. All of it.

  
  
  
  
  


The music video drops the next day, and Mark and Donghyuck watch it together on the couch. Donghyuck holds his breath on his solo shots, suddenly not sure of anything he’s ever done at all in the name of music, but when it finishes he lets out a sigh of relief.

“That was so good!” Mark practically shouts when the video finishes. “I am so excited for the world to see this!”

Donghyuck casts a quick glance around the room. Only Taeil is there, not even paying attention to them, so he risks dropping a quick kiss onto Mark’s cheek. “I know, I’m actually really proud of this.”

“We are  _ awesome _ ,” Mark proclaims. “I’m--oh my god, let’s watch it again, come on, it is a piece of  _ art _ \--”

They end up watching it five or six times, picking it apart the way Donghyuck imagines that the fans will, and he can almost forget all of his nerves about the long weeks of performances ahead.

  
  
  
  
  


Of course, the comeback stage goes wonderfully, and Donghyuck’s sure his smile can be seen from outer space. Mark grabs his hand and presses him into a dark corner and kisses him hard where nobody can see and he’s still smiling at the end of it, even though he feels like crying.

This means so much to him, and he can’t tell if it means anything similar to Mark.

He’s carefully using makeup wipes to take off his eyeliner when Mark comes up behind him and hugs him, meeting his eyes in the mirror. “You did so well, Hyuck.”

“You did better,” Donghyuck says nonsensically, all of his neurons short-circuiting with how close Mark is and how many people are around. He can’t help but dart glances all around, trying to tell if anyone thinks this is weird. “I’m so proud of us. Of this.”

For some reason, that makes Mark’s smile turn sad, and he moves away from Donghyuck. “Yeah. Me too.” It’s almost like he’s disappointed that Donghyuck isn’t moving after him. Donghyuck blinks at his reflection, stage makeup still half on, and wills himself very firmly not to cry.

Oh, great. He’s--he’s really screwed up now, hasn’t he, and he doesn’t even know what he did. Fantastic.

He knew going into this that it wouldn’t end well, but that doesn’t make it better.

Donghyuck sleeps in his own bed that night, for the first time in he doesn’t know how many weeks. He can’t get warm the entire night and wakes up with dried tear tracks on his face.

  
  
  
  
  


The entire comeback, Donghyuck sleeps like shit and hardly pays attention to anything. He throws himself into performances, comes off the stage drained, isn’t ever sure how he gets home. It particularly sucks because he really loves this album, this choreography. It’s easily some of their best work, and he wants to be proud of it, but he’s too busy being sadder than a teenage girl after a breakup.

_ Isn’t that exactly what this is? _ he thinks, and laughs bitterly, because it is except for the part where it absolutely isn’t.

  
  
  
  


They get a few days of vacation time when promotions end, and Donghyuck goes home.

“Hi, honey!” his mom exclaims when he gets in the door. “We’ve been watching your performances, and we honestly are so proud of you. Your voice sounds so lovely!”

Donghyuck’s throat feels like it’s closing up. He thanks his mom without any real sincerity behind it and goes to take a nap in a room Mark’s never seen, a room that is completely separate from the entire rest of his life. It’s kind of nice.

Mark calls him later that night, and Donghyuck almost lets it go to voicemail but picks up right on the last ring. “Hello?”

“I’m sorry,” Mark rushes out. “I made a mistake--I didn’t mean to push you away--I haven’t slept well in weeks, I miss you so much, not even just kissing you--I miss your smile and how you always make fun of me and--and I like you, I guess is what I’m trying to say, and I’m sorry for not telling you that to begin with--”

“Slow down,” Donghyuck says in disbelief. “You’re--what?”

“I like you,” Mark says. He takes an audibly deep breath. “It’s just that at our comeback stage, I realized that I’d forgotten how many other people were around, and you were right to not push it, but then I was too stubborn, but now we have a bit of downtime and I’d like to try again.”

“I’m--” Donghyuck’s smiling so widely the dry skin on his top lip has cracked, but he doesn’t care. “I like you too, dumbass. I have for the longest damn time. And I really liked kissing you, I have to say, and I want to do more of it, but I also like your concentration face and your voice and I haven’t slept well without you either.”

“I know it’s not really possible,” and oh, that’s a bad thing to start with, because Donghyuck’s knuckles go white, “but I’d like to date you. I know we’re idols, and we’re both boys, and it’s gonna be so hard, but I think you’re worth it, I really do.”

“You make me so happy, Mark Lee,” Donghyuck whispers, voice heavy with tears. “I’d--god, fuck, I’d do just about anything for you.”

“I’m glad we’re in agreement.” He can hear the laughter in Mark’s voice. “I will see you when you get home, okay?”

Donghyuck smiles. “Okay.”

  
  
  
  
  


The first thing Mark does when he sees Donghyuck is hug him. The first thing Donghyuck wishes he could do is kiss him.

“This is already difficult,” Donghyuck complains. “All I wanna do is kiss your face off, but I can’t do that yet.”

Mark laughs. “Don’t worry. We’ll have plenty of time for that later.”

It’s stupid how happy this makes Donghyuck, but whatever. He’s never really been one to deny himself happiness.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Except this isn’t right.

Well, Donghyuck’s mind is stuck on this, stuck on the fact that they’re both boys, stuck on the fact that Mark’s mouth shouldn’t feel as good as it does on Donghyuck’s, stuck on the fact that all he’s ever heard or read about this is that it’s wrong. Shit.

“Do you…” Donghyuck starts. Mark turns over so that Donghyuck can see his face, and he’s so beautiful in the streetlight filtering in through the window that Donghyuck takes a moment to breathe. “Is this...damn, I don’t know how to say this.”

“Is it about me? Did something happen with your family?”

“No, I just…” Frustrated, Donghyuck runs a hand through his hair. “We’re both boys.”

Mark looks confused. “Yeah?”

“Isn’t that supposed to be wrong?”

And it’s out there, this dumb insecurity that isn’t actually that dumb. Because Donghyuck’s fighting a battle with himself, inside his head, two sides with arguments that seem equally strong to him. And he isn’t sure how to fix it.

Mark keeps looking confused, one one-thousand, two one-thousand, and then his face clears. “Oh...oh, Hyuck, sweetie. Okay.”

So that night Donghyuck learns about internalized homophobia, and that it’s okay for boys to like boys, and that not everyone is accepting but they should be. That this isn’t wrong.

“I’m--I’m still not--” he tries, when it’s so late that his eyes are burning and Mark finally puts his laptop away. “I’m still not sure.”

Mark kisses him, slow and soft and sleepy, and when he pulls away Donghyuck can barely keep his eyes open. “That’s okay. We’ll figure this out.”

“I do know that I really like kissing you, though,” Donghyuck says. Smirks with half of his mouth in the way that he knows drives Mark a little crazy.

Mark rolls his eyes. “Dork. Come here.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! please leave kudos or comments, they make me smile <3
> 
> hmu on tumblr @bestfluteninja i don't talk about nct as much as i used to but i still love them dearly


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